Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
