I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
