Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
