What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
