I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
