that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
