last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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