Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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