i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
