Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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