textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
