I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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