You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
