I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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