so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
