ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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