Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I accidentally burped into my bong.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
