In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
