Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
