Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
