Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
