You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
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i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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