I looked at my own cervix.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
