dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Never joke about your clitoris.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
