It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
