dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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