I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
