using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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