nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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