if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Randomize
