You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
