he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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