You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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