i love accidental penises.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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