Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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