I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
