so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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