is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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