the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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