make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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