I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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