brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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