Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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