the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I want her autograph on my taint
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just had sex on a roof
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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