Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
