I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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