3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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