Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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