i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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