I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
