Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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