By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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