just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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