Banned from zoo.
Again?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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