I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
