if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
